Whether or Not You Should End a Marriage Over Porn

Whether or Not You Should End a Marriage Over Porn Relationships Spouses & Partners Marital Problems Print Is Your Spouses Porn Habit Damaging Your Marriage? By Sheri Stritof Sheri Stritof has written about marriage and relationships for 20 years. Shes the co-author of The Everything Great Marriage Book. Learn about our editorial policy Sheri Stritof Reviewed by Reviewed by Amy Morin, LCSW on January 24, 2020 facebook twitter instagram Amy Morin, LCSW, is a psychotherapist, author of the bestselling book 13 Things Mentally Strong People Dont Do, and a highly sought-after speaker. Learn about our Wellness Board Amy Morin, LCSW on January 24, 2020 Verwell / Nusha Ashjaee More in Relationships Spouses & Partners Marital Problems LGBTQ Violence and Abuse For some couples, watching pornography (whether separately or together) is an acceptable part of their sex lives, while for others, its a  deal-breaker. The question isnt necessarily whether porn itself is bad or wrong, but rather how each partner feels about it in the context of their relationship. For example, porn may become a problem in a marriage if one spouse has a moral objection to it, if porn use is secretive or compulsive, or if it interferes with maintaining a healthy shared sex life. The Porn Problem Pornography is difficult to define because it means different things to different people. Most commonly, it refers to magazines, pictures, videos, movies, and websites that depict individuals in sexually explicit ways. Thanks to the Internet, its far more available than it once was, and there is a huge spectrum of what might be considered porn, from woman-centered erotica to harmful material that depicts brutality, violence, or abuse of children. Research shows that many people use pornâ€"and that includes women.?? With the exception of illicit pornographic material, porn in and of itself may not necessarily be an issue in all relationships. Where issues arise is when there is a disconnect between partners. Like anything else having to do with sex, if porn use is mutual and consensual, it benefits a marriage. It can keep a couples sex life fresh and vital. If it isnt, then there is a problem. The question of whether porn is all right is a common one. Theres nothing unhealthy or abnormal with watching legal adult material with consent, but some people use porn in unhealthy ways. Watching too much of it or becoming obsessed can be detrimental. Some spouses may consider pornography to be insulting, degrading, and even a form of cheating. But, others may not feel the same and as a result, may not understand their partners anger or hurt about their use of porn. Warning Signs of Harmful Porn Use An obvious sign of harmful pornography use is a lack of sex in your marriage. There are additional ways that a spouse may cross a line or even become addicted to pornography:?? Lying about pornography useContinual denial in the face of obvious evidenceExcessive masturbationInability to stop viewing pornNeglect of family, spouse, job, hobbies, and other important responsibilitiesRefusal to discuss the issueLack of caring about a partners feelings on the issueMoodinessStaying up later at night to spend time on the computerFrequently changing computer passwordsDemanding unusual amounts of privacy and personal time on the computerAllowing easy access to pornographic magazines, videos, and computer files to other family members If Your Partner Is Watching Porn If your partners use of porn is harmful or hurtful to you, the first step is to talk to them without being judgmental. Talking about pornography can be difficult, emotionally charged, and even awkward, but just like most difficult topics, getting on the same page is key. Ask your partner what they like about porn. Perhaps there are things they want both of you to try, or maybe they are watching porn out of boredom or habit. When your marriage has obviously been hurt by pornography and your partner wont stop watching porn, you may have to face the reality that you may not be able to change this behavior. However, you can try to take back control of the relationship and explore some strategies to get back on track. Share your feelings; consider seeking the help of a couples counselor or sex therapist  if you cant resolve the issue alone. You can also seek marriage counseling to see if there are other problems in your marriage that may be leading to excessive pornography use. How to Know If You Need Marriage Counseling A Word From Verywell If youre thinking of ending your marriage because of pornography use, its common to feel self-doubt, low self-esteem, blame, or guilt. Counseling can help you work through these feelings, whether or not your spouse participates. Divorce is difficult and complicated. But if both partners are willing, you may be able to heal the rift pornography has caused. The Best Online Marriage Counseling Programs